This is kind of a heavy subject. But I seriously need some input.
My wife and I have been together for over 10 years now. She’s 35 and I’m 36. When we first started dating, she told me about her mental issues and physical problems. Bi-polar depression, type-1 diabetes…etc. There’s a laundry list. I didn’t really see the problems, I saw a sweet girl that I loved. About 2 years into the relationship, she attempted suicide. Thankfully I found her and she was taken to the hospital and was alright after treatments. She was living with her unmedicated bipolar mother at the time, and was going through some other issues. After the incident she was in a mental facility for a few weeks. The whole time I didn’t think about myself, just how she was. I didn’t care about myself.
Over the years our relationship has changed a lot. I’m more of a care taker now than I was when we started dating. Intimacy is pretty much dead. I’m the one that cooks and cleans, works full time. She’s at home on social security disability. She can’t work because of the bipolar and diabetes. She has fibro-myalgia, and undiagnosed problems with her thyroid as well. It all adds up to a sh*t ton of problems and a not so great quality of life. She can’t go out and do much anymore. It’s a problem for her to even help me bring groceries in and put them away.
It’s gotten to a point where she’s having injections in her eyes to help with some bleeding that’s happening.
So this is kinda where we are. We love each other and want to be together, but we’re just barely more than room mates.
Then yesterday happened. She and I started talking, and she just unloaded a lot of her feelings and pent up anger and whatnot. Nothing directed at me, she was just venting. Saying that sometimes she wishes I hadn’t found her or that we never met because she knows shes dragging me down. A ton of stuff like that. Shes devastated that our relationship is how it is now and she never meant for it to be this way or wanted it to be this way. Shes scared shes going blind and that she’s gonna end up an invalid that I’ll have to take care of. And she doesn’t want that for me. And I don’t want that for her.
So she says all of this…and it’s destroying me. Not her intention I know. But I feel so terrible for her and wish there was more I could do. But there isn’t. She and I have both been to counseling. Shes seen numerous doctors and is still seeing doctors. Some listen, most don’t and just say “youre fat…fix that then it’ll all get better”. Which she has, shes lost weight, gotten her A1-C under 7 and keeps her blood sugars level. But her thyroid and pain issues sometime cause her blood sugars to skyrocket or bottom out for seemingly no reason. So a lot of her problems go untreated and are getting worse.
I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you I have been there just in 2 different relationships.
My ex wife was bat shit crazy. I am not being mean she was heavily medicated for most of our time together. I was given the option to get out. I chose to stay cause I loved her. She got better and off the meds. Then cheated on me and got pregnant. I should have left but I didn’t cause I thought we were in love.
Fast forward to current girlfriend that is technically terminal. She was given 3 months to live a few years ago but she is still alive and kicking. She tried to break it off the day she found out but I fought back and wouldn’t let her. Besides living in different states we are happy considering and still making plans for the future. I have been sitting and waiting for her to get better while people tell me I am wasting my adulthood on something that might never happen.
I don’t think there is a right answer in these situations. Stay or go both have their negatives and can stick with you. I wish I would have left my ex wife when I had the chance but I am so glad I fought for my current relationship and so is she. It gave her something more to fight for other than herself.
What ever happens man I wish you luck. If you need to vent GRG is great for that.
Sorry to hear the rough times bud, and like above can’t give you a whole lot of direction on what to do as my life has charted an entirely different course.
My life sums up as a relatively reclusive time till 20, then hooking up and subsequently knocking up my girlfriend senior year in college. She drops out, we get hitched, and struggle to figure out raising a family being nothing more than kids ourselves by and large. We went through a tough patch early on when I gamed WAY too much and totally neglected her. She cheated, we separated for a few weeks, but then reconciled and put it behind us. That was 22 years ago. I could have easily walked away but chose to suck it up and stick it out. Partially out of love for my kids and not wanting to raise them separately, but mostly because I love(d) my wife more than any short-term pain and misery.
No matter which way you go, it’s the right way for you at the time, and yet can prove to be all kinds of wrong down the road. Real bitch is there is no way of predicting what the future will be. All you can do is what you feel is right in your gut/heart, trust in that, and do the best with what you have. If you stick with it, I’d convince her that regardless of the costs she feels she’s inflicting on you, they are trivial against what you’d pay in losing her. Be there for her, support her through all these physical and mental struggles she has, and both her and you are better in the end.
If you go the other way, then just be honest with yourself on why. You deserve to be happy, plain and simple. You have a lot of time invested in the relationship and that makes it more difficult for certain. But it doesn’t change the fact that you deserve to be happy. And it doesn’t make you evil if that means you need to be what could be seen as selfish and think about yourself.
No matter which way ya’ go, rest assured you got some like minded folk here who’ve seen just about everything to pull on - don’t hesitate to do that.
I can’t put things much better than others already have here, but I will reiterate that if you need someone to talk to, we’re here to give you moral support along with advice.
The good part is you’ve made your decision there, and know what you want to do. You do need to find some time to carve out for yourself where you can unwind, like getting certain times you can game to blow off some steam. Having some time for what you like to do will help keep you from feeling overwhelmed.
@Gatsu I hate to sound preachy but IMHO what you have done is honorable, and noble and maybe even heroic. no one would fault you whichever way you choose. If possible take a moment to reflect on how big the thing you have done really is. I’m not sure I could have done it…you are a far better person than I.
I can empathize with you my friend.
Nothing I can say or anyone else can make anything better/easier.
But I take comfort in how resilient the human creature is, and how complex the human condition.
Both of you are the strongest people you will ever know.
Just from your OP, it’s obvious how much and how strongly you love and feel for this person.
She was so strong to open up to you like that.
It seems to me like you probably don’t need us as much as you think you do.
You two got each other, what can any of us do that could trump that?
But I’ll reiterate the same things said time and time before… here’s a great place to vent…
Or in particular, a great place to find a smartass waiting to make a stupid comment that might be wholly inappropriate.
And on that note I’ll say adieu before I’ve out-stayed my welcome.
Gatsu, my mom was a Psychologist (passed away Friday night) and one of the things I’ve heard time and again from her patients was how they were at the end of their rope and having someone neutral to talk through things with and work out issues saved their lives often quite literally. Therapists are not just for the mentally ill, they are for all those struggling with life’s many challenges. Consider getting some pro help. I wish you the very best for a solution with your difficult spot.
Like others have said, it’s a tough situation. What you have done to this point is certainly a heroic thing. Like Johnny said, just be sure to make some time for yourself. It may seem like a selfish thing to do, but it will help you to be a better partner. Good luck.
and @Johneffinggalt so sorry to hear that. Prayers are with your family.
